The bond between a mother and daughter can be more intense than either might like. This is the relationship in which daughters first feel safe enough to test out the desire for autonomy while balancing the innate need to please their moms.
As infants, we’re fully dependent on others, but the drive for independence shows up early. In fact, we spend the rest of our lives trying to balance our conflicting relational needs of independence from and dependence on others. These polarizing forces typically give rise to a new mother-daughter battle at each developmental stage.
From the toddler screaming, “NO!” at the top of her lungs to the adolescent breaking curfew, daughters strive to assert their need for self-direction. Still they want mom to offer a smile or embrace along with the gentle, but firm, reminder that rules and consequences are in place to keep her safe. Acknowledging the struggle, but enforcing house rules, is an effective way to help her learn how to safely manage her desire for autonomy.
As much as daughters long for independence, the need for connection and approval never fade too far from the surface. Therefore, it’s essential to provide a safe space for open, honest, and potentially conflictual discussions – even if you are afraid to hear what your daughter might share.
Successful mothering means helping a daughter grow into a unique, self-sufficient, healthy adult. But remember, while a mother may increasingly lose control over her daughter’s life, quality communication along the way will strengthen the likelihood that a mother’s positive influence lasts a lifetime.
I’m Suzanne Degges-White, and that’s my perspective.
